My Bitter Sweet Journey

"My Bitter Sweet Journey" has been written by an amazing lady who I have known (from a distance) for over 20 years. At her request, her identity is to be kept private.

Grief.

I knew it would be hard.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy and I knew I had a long journey ahead of me.

What I didn’t count on, was the unrelenting, difficult road of Bitter Sweet that I have to travel on until I am completely healed and restored by God Himself. (Perhaps that won’t be until I am in His Heavenly arms).

My taste of Bitter Sweet arrived after the death of my 1st husband, due to a road accident. But I seemed to cope alright and it didn’t grab hold of me.

My deepest and most significant struggle arrived after the death of my precious son, due to suicide.

Perhaps my first taste of Bitter Sweet lingered and after the death of my son, the two seasons of grief intensified. Perhaps I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.

I have wrestled since that day.

Let me explain what I mean about Bitter Sweet.

Bitter. Why is life so cruel? I hate this. I want to scream and yell and curse!!  My heart breaks, it hurts, I weep.
Sweet. My life isn’t too bad. I am grateful. I like to laugh, sing and praise. My heart yearns, but it doesn’t hurt, I love.

I arrive at the 21st I’m attending.

Bitter. My son never made it to 21.
Sweet. You’ve grown into a fine young man.

I’m invited to an exciting event like a wedding.

Bitter. I’ll never see my son get married.
Sweet. They look so happy together.

A precious baby is born.

Bitter. I’ll never hold my son’s baby. He didn’t even get the chance to get married. He didn’t even reach 21 !!! Bitterness creeps in, it takes hold, it’s nasty and the wrestling continues.
Sweet. How cute is this gorgeous being!

I’ve asked someone how they’re going.

Bitter. “I’m sick of the kids, they’re driving me nuts!” they answer. My anger rises, the bitterness bubbles away. I want to growl back at them. I want to let them know how I would do anything to have my son back in my arms. I want to scream at them “Aren’t these the kids that you prayed for, the ones you begged God for? Now that they have them, they are annoyed and challenged by them. Don’t they understand how quickly it could all pass? Don’t they realize the final words spoken about their child could be how horrible they are? Watch what you say parents!!  Turmoil, chaos, adrenaline.  Why, oh why do I go out in public on Bitter days, it is far safer for me to stay home in my cocoon.
Sweet. Yeah, some days are like that.

Someone ages and has a milestone birthday.

Bitter. How do some people get to live long, prosperous lives? Worse yet, is when they are ungrateful of that lengthy lifetime and whine about how old they are!! That drives me crazy how so many people complain about getting older. Guys, at least you’re not dead!!\
Sweet. You’re doing well for your age. Congratulations.

So that’s just a glimpse of the daily wrestle and choices I make.

Will I let the bitterness grab too tight and I’m unable to show empathy and love. Or shall I dismiss the pain and distress that I feel , so I can show concern andkindness.

I don’t like who I am when Bitter is around. I’m cruel. I’m a bitch. Nobody really knows that though, as I hide it, I hide it deeply. It simmers away on the surface some days and I’m best not going near anyone as I fear I may not control what I think or what comes out of my mouth very well.

I’m truly grateful that I now have more Sweet days than Bitter. I’m genuinely interested in life, people and their experiences. I wake up feeling refreshed after sleep. I have an appetite. I have dreams. Life is no longer a sharp and hazardous obstacle course for me to try and conquer. I smile.

Thankfully, I’m a work in progress and God is my healer. He goes before me, gets alongside me and He has my back. I am covered. I am precious to Him. I need not fear.

 I choose Sweet.